Journaling About and Coping With Toxic People

Published on August 30, 2010 in Author Blog, Creative Nonfiction, Journaling, Journals and inspiration. Tags: , , , , , .

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“You can either give negativity power over your life or you can choose happiness instead.” Anais Nin

The week of the full moon always brings out interesting stories in my journal. On the morning of the full moon, I began writing about how to cope with toxic people. This is a term I started to use years ago, about the time I turned 45, at time when I decided that life is too short to surround myself with those who bring me down instead of building me up.

For those of you who have read my first memoir, Regina’s Closet: Finding My Grandmother’s Secret Journal, you know that even though my mother was the one responsible for giving me my first journal and who I will forever be indebted, to also put an indelible mark on my life. She was often prone to depression but her refusal to take medication resulted in her  becoming toxic to those around her. Unfortunately, I was one of the victims. Over the years I have learned to accept her and cope by putting a box around myself while in her presence, but there were times when her ways really hurt me.

So how does this affect you, my reader? Over the course of our lives, we meet hundreds or perhaps thousands of people. There are those who we connect with right away and others with whom we don’t. Sometimes there is chemistry and sometimes not. Some people are easy to be around, others you wouldn’t want to touch with a ten foot pole. We all know the feeling, but sometimes we tend to ignore what we are feeling down deep. Ignoring this feeling can get us into trouble or bring on unhappiness.

Those who negatively impact our lives are called, “toxic people.” I don’t remember where I first heard this term, but I understood it right away. They can be seen anywhere—in our local store, on airplanes, in foreign countries or even in our own family, but one thing is for sure – they are easy to spot. In general terms, they are unhappy, dislike their own lives and carry around a great deal of anger, resentment and bitterness. They seem to complain all the time and might even make you feel that it is your fault that things are not going well. Often, they seem happier after making you unhappy. You feel these traits when you are near them and if you are with them long enough, they could rub off on you.

Those with major depressive disease and/or bipolar disorder are more susceptible to toxic people because they are more easily triggered. I learned this in nursing school during my psychiatry rotation when I asked my mentor how I can tell if someone is depressed. She told me, other than listening to what they say, you can just feel it in their energy.  “When you are with them, you just feel down,” she told me. I have carried this nugget of wisdom with me for the rest of my life and it has served me well.

The other thing about toxic people, which my mother taught me through her actions, is that they often fling insults and hurt towards others. They can be condescending without even realizing it. Being with toxic people can really negatively affect your mental well-being, because they have the innate ability to ‘suck the joy out of life.’

One important thing to remember is that you cannot change someone else’s behavior, but you can adjust your own. Here are some possible ways to cope with a toxic person:

1)    Voice your concerns

2)    Avoid or minimize contact

3)    Try to bring joy into their lives

In summary, you can try to help toxic people, but if they don’t want to help themselves, it will be a losing battle and the best solution will be to just stay away. It will be good for your health.

I have done this quite knowingly with a few select people in my life and have never felt better!

TO MY DEVOTED READERS: There will be a blog, hiatus but I will be back on September 20th. In the meantime, be happy!

How to Make Your Writing Sparkle — For Publication or Pleasure

Published on August 23, 2010 in Author Blog, writer blog and writing. Tags: , , .

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Whether you are a fiction writer, nonfiction writer, artist or business person who wants to get reader attention, there are a number of things you can do to grab your reader’s and keep them with you. Those of you who are published writers, have probably heard these tips numerous times, but sometimes we all need a gentle reminder. Whatever your reason for writing, when crafting your next letter, story, article or poem, try to keep the following in mind:

1)    Use the active voice – the subject of the sentence performs the action specified by the verb rather than the subject being acted upon. These sentences have energy and are direct.

2)    Show don’t tell –  this should be a writer’s mantra. This is done using dialogue, sensory language (taste, touch, smell), providing description and being specific by giving details.

3)    Maintain one point of view – write from either your perspective or someone else’s. Switching points of view can confuse the reader. While writing, be sure to be aware of who is telling the story.

4)    Avoid repetitiveness  – do not use the same word twice in a sentence. Also, vary sentence structure by refraining from starting subsequent sentences with the same word.

5)    Avoid run-on sentences.

6)    Use strong verbs.

7)    Use short sentences and paragraphs.

8)    Stick to the subject of your writing and also to the main point.

9)    Avoid clichés – these are overused phrases which make writing flat and boring and show a sense of laziness on the writer’s part. (for example: “Her eyes were as blue as the sky,” or “The job was as easy as pie.”)

10) Read your writing out loud to detect flow and inconsistencies.

11) Review and revise what you’ve written and only share when you are satisfied with your words.

Reading good writing reference books is also a good way to brush up on your writing. The classic book, The Elements of Style by Strunk and White can be quite amusing to read. Check it out: http://www.amazon.com/Elements-Style-50th-Anniversary/dp/0205632645/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1282591779&sr=8-

A BONUS:

Some of you might be interested in seeing my latest TV interview on the Gregory Mantel Show, already posted on u-tube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QdQCvVZPjOk

Writing About Difficult Subjects in Memoir

Published on August 16, 2010 in Author Blog, Creative Nonfiction, General Information, Healing With Words, Memoir, Memory, Writing for healing, Writing, journaling, autobiographies, inspiration, writer blog and writing. Tags: , , , , , , , , .

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Writing memoir can be viewed as a sort of literary alchemy. It is one way to transform your unpleasant past into an art form. This exercise can be cathartic, painful and confusing—things to be aware of before setting down this path. Many people believe they have a story to share but have trouble deciding whether to actually write about it. I say, if the story feels like a knot in your stomach, then it is something you should write whether it’s for publication or not. If there is an internal yanking and feeling that you cannot go to your grave leaving this story untold. That’s pretty much how I felt when writing my two memoirs, Regina’s Closet and Healing With Words.

When you finally decide to tell your story, you should know that it may not be easy getting down to the emotional truth of your subject matter. Sometimes it’s much easier to skirt the deep dark traumas of our past and write about the glossy and lighter events which shaped us.

Yet, writing about trauma can be life-changing for both you and your reader. My advice is to be brave and it will pay off.  Your first draft should be raw and long. Remember to be simple in your thoughts. Tell the truth and be straightforward. You can edit in subsequent drafts. If you have endured difficult times, the good news is that you have survived well enough to be able to write about them.

In my reading on how other writers have coped with writing about difficult subject matter. Many writers suggest not to throw yourself a pity party on the page, but instead, focus on writing the facts. Leave the reader to make their own decisions. In general, readers don’t like the narrative to whine. It is a turn-off and ineffective, however, there is also nothing wrong with letting the reader feel uncomfortable. In fact, if they are, they might be inspired to write their own painful story. This would be a plus for everyone involved.

Many people continue to be haunted by painful wounds of childhood and writing has a tendency to set people free from the shackles. Some might try to write their memoir in the third person in an attempt to remove or distance themselves from the story, but more often than not, however, this does not work because the immediacy is often lost.

Some people ask how they can protect themselves and remain ‘sane,’ while writing their painful story. My answer varies depending upon the person. Psychotherapy might be the answer for you or having someone trustworthy you can talk to on a regular basis, whether it’s an editor or dear friend. It’s good to have someone to call in time of need, just for inspiration or to prod you along—someone to tell that you “can do it.” Some people lean towards writing groups for support, although I have never personally found them helpful, as often times instead of supporting one another’s literary works, participants use the forum to  destructively criticize one another’s work.

Art Spiegelman, the author of the graphic memoir, The Complete Maus: A Survivor’s Tale, says to protect himself from the pain of his past, he wears a bicycle helmet so that when he hits his head against the wall it doesn’t hurt so much. This reminds me of a fiction workshop I once took at the University of the Iowa where Jonis Agee suggested we wear masks while writing. This was a great way to become someone else.

In summary, if a subject is scary or feels dangerous the best thing to do is just write and deal with the post-traumatic stress situation afterwards. Sometimes when you write what you remember about an event, it is one way of separating yourself from it. In a way, you gain a sense of control over your old memory.

The Art of Letter Writing

Published on August 9, 2010 in Anais Nin, Author Blog, Creative Nonfiction, Creativity, Healing With Words, Letter Wrirting, Musings, Writing for healing, Writing, journaling, cathartic writing, writer blog and writing. Tags: , , , , , .

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The letter can be a vital tool to clarify your feelings to either yourself or to others. The purpose of a letter might be to inform, instruct, entertain, amuse, explore psychological problems, keep in touch, or offer love. The advent of the telephone was viewed as a replacement for letter writing, but with the birth of email, there seems to be a resurgence of the age-old art of letter writing.

Many people use  letter writing to release pent-up emotions, such as complaint letters to companies about a malfunctioning product  or letters to the editor about a pressing current event. Typically, when confronting someone on an issue, it’s easier (and healthier) to blow up on the page rather than directly toward the person. Letters are also a good venue to gather your thoughts first, and can be used as a segue to discussion.

Most writers are good letter writers. Authors such as Pam Houston, Fenton Johnson and Shawn Wong frequently write letters. Wong views letter writing as practice for his craft. He says:

“When I was eighteen I started thinking about becoming a writer but as an undergraduate student and later as a graduate student in creative writing, I didn’t really have a career as a writer so I wrote letters, sometimes as many as five or six letters a day. In looking back at the thousands of pages of letters, I realize those letters were how I practiced my writing.”

Author, John McPhee, once said that every book he wrote began with the words, “Dear Mother.” His letters didn’t typically usually end up in his published book, but serves its purpose—it gets him writing. Diarist Anaïs Nin began her first journal entry as a letter to her deranged father as a way to remain connected with him, although she also never sent it. In fact, it is not always necessary to send letters. Sometimes the exercise in writing the letter is all that is needed to clear the mind and calm the psyche.

Some writers use the letter form to warm up their writing. Sometimes it helps to one get into the swing of a story and helps to develop voice. Many, such as myself, write letters in their journal, particularly if they’re having difficulty developing a character in their story.

Others may decide to write letters to their pets. You can really write to whoever or whatever inspires you. It is important to date your letters and in case you decide to send the letter, to keep a copy of it. In the future, it will be amusing and informative to reread your letters, plus you never know how their contents may be used in a future literary work.

When beginning a letter, the best way to start is to say what prompted you to write the letter or why you were thinking of the person at that particular time. The letters we most enjoy receiving are those which carry the writer’s personality. When reading well-written letters we feel as if the person is sitting beside us, looking at us and speaking to us.

Perhaps the most satisfying aspect of letter writing is the opportunity to communicate exactly what’s on your mind. What more could a writer ask for than a specific, hand-picked, captivated reader? So, if you could say anything you wanted to anyone in the world, who would you address?  What would you say?  Sit down, take out a sheet of paper or crack open your journal, choose your audience and begin your journey!

Some Letter-Writing Tips

•                Use simple and easy to understand sentences

•                Avoid using complicated and long words

•                Be specific

•                Break your letter into small parts or paragraphs

•                Make sure your voice or tone is appropriate to the subject of the letter

•                For clarity, read the letter aloud

•                Write, rewrite and polish your letter

Writing Happiness

Published on August 2, 2010 in General Information, Health and Wellness, Journaling, Musings, Notebooks, Spirituality, Writing, journaling and writer blog. Tags: , , , , , , , .

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August is “Admit You’re Happy Month” and August 8th is “Admit You’re Happy Day” and even though it sounds like a ridiculous reason for a celebration, think again.

People so often focus on the negative and it’s always good  to step back and look at the things in our lives which bringing us happiness. It seems as if writers are more often driven to the page when there is something causing turbulence in their lives, rather than when they are happy. In fact, most memoirs focus on traumatic events, which is fine, but it’s a good idea to find a balance and also identify the good times. In the classes I teach at UCLA Extension, I advocate both positive and gratitude journaling.

In my recent readings on Buddhism, I’ve learned that one of the chief sources of anger is the quest for happiness. Just think about why someone would get angry while waiting in a long line in the airport or why someone would honk if someone was driving too slowly in front of them. The angry person just wants to be happy, but ironically, this quest for happiness is the source of his unhappiness. As, Eric Hoffer, a philosopher known for his adages observed, “The search for happiness is one of the chief sources of unhappiness.”

His Holiness the Dalai Lama believes that the pursuit of happiness is so important that he’s devoted his life to preaching about it. His book The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living is packed with useful information, mainly centered around the idea that “the purpose of our existence is to seek happiness.” So, the question becomes, if we want happiness, then how do we seek it? One way is to understand that negative emotions and behaviors are harmful, and positive emotions are helpful. The negative emotions hurt not only ourselves, but others as well.

So while journaling or writing about happiness, write about all the different ways you can bring happiness to others, whether it is doing a good deed for a friend, colleague or neighbor. A few weeks ago we had a party and  thought about what to do with the leftovers and decided to bring them to the homeless lining the streets of downtown parks. The act of kindness went a long way to make both us and the homeless happy.

Alexandra Stoddard has a great book called, Choosing Happiness, a quick and inspirational read which might be worth picking up, not only for journaling ideas but to make you smile and feel better.

Remember, happiness rarely comes from just thinking about yourself. Victor Frankl says, “Joy comes into our lives when we have: (a) something to do, (b) someone to love, and (c) something to hope for.”

I don’t think I could have said it better!

Finding Focus

Published on July 26, 2010 in Author Blog, Creative Nonfiction, Health, Health and Wellness, Memoir, Musings, Spirituality, writer blog and writing. Tags: , , , , , , , .

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The last time I discussed finding focus was in my memoir workshop in Ventura, California.  What I want to talk about here, however, is how to find focus in our daily life. Whether you are an author, artist, health care worker, therapist, esthetician, painter, publicist, scientist, developer, entrepreneur, grower, parent or senior citizen, it’s an important skill to have.

We all might have our own ways of slowing down and finding a peace of mind. For me, regular meditation definitely helps. Even though some may be under the illusion that regular meditation practice is complicated, it’s really not. All you need is patience, time and a technique that works for you. I began my practice in the 1970s with Mahareshi Yogi and I have tried many different disciplines over the years. What I learned is that the most important thing is consistency.

The recent issue of Yoga At Home Magazine — http://www.yogajournal.com —  a great article called, “Peace of Mind” by Janice Gates where she shared some ways to help you get your mind to focus. In combination with sharing my own ideas about the practice, I would like to mention some of the tips she offered.

Many who meditate do so regularly. Some prefer meditating early in the morning as a nice way to begin the day, while others might do it at the end of their yoga practice. If you have young children or other early morning commitments, it may be more challenging to find a slot of time which will work for you, but surely you can make it happen.

Personally, I like beginning my day with meditation before the busyness sets in. After identifying the best time of day for you, the next thing to do is to find a place where you will not be disturbed. It’s best to sit on a cushion on the floor, but a chair with a back will also work. It is important to have a quiet place. Close your eyes and cross your legs in Indian fashion. While seated, check in with yourself to see how you are feeling emotionally and physically. Some practitioners suggest making an intention for each meditation, such as cultivating calm, happiness and health. Remember, the more regularly you meditate, the easier the practice will become.

Next, the challenge is to train your  mind to focus and stay in the moment. It is perfectly normal for your mind to wander, but to stay focused try to bring your attention back to your breath. Let your thoughts come to you and with each breath, let them float away like a cloud. If you still have difficulty focusing, try counting your breaths. For example, inhale, then say the number “one” and then exhale and say the number “two.” Do this all the way up to ten and then start over again.

Another way to stay focused is with the use of a mantra or chant. When I studied transcendental mediation we were each given a personal mantra, but really, you can just repeat any word or sound in your head. Some people repeat the word “shanty,” which means peace, over and over again.

Another way to focus is to use a burning candle. Place the candle on a table near where you are meditating –preferably about two feet away. Without blinking, stare at the flame for about one minute. Then close your eyes and imagine the flame in the area of your third eye (the space between your eyebrows).

If you are the type of person who has difficulty sitting still, you might consider a an outdoor walking meditation. In walking meditation, the idea is to focus on each step you take. Notice how the ground feels beneath your feet. Whenever your mind wanders, bring it back to your feet like you did bringing it back to your breath. After you’ve done this for a while then bring your attention to your surroundings; notice the colors and textures of nature.

In summary, it takes time to develop and perfect a new habit like meditation. So as Janice Gates suggests, be patient with yourself. Start with five or ten minutes a day and if you are able, gradually increase to forty-five minutes.

Writing a Compelling Memoir

Published on July 19, 2010 in Author Blog, Creativity, Depression, Healing With Words, Health, Journaling, Memoir, Memory, Writing for healing, Writing, journaling, breast cancer, writer blog and writing. Tags: , , , , , , , .

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On Saturday, I participated in a panel at the Ventura Book Festival called, “Writing a Compelling Memoir.” For those who were unable to attend, here are some highlights from presentation:

Abigail Thomas, in her book, Thinking About Memoir, says that writing a memoir is about keeping your eyes, ears and heart open. It’s about letting your mind open up and wander and about letting one thing lead to another.

Many people are driven to write memoir as a result of pain, loss or trauma. But when considering publication, one question you must ask is, “who cares?” Why would people want to read your book? You must have something to share which is universal. The impetus for writing my first memoir, Regina’s Closet: Finding My Grandmother’s Secret Journal (http://www.amazon.com/Reginas-Closet-Finding-Grandmothers-Journal/dp/0825305756/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1279570174&sr=1-1) was to explore the motivation behind my grandmother’s suicide. It’s not that I was contemplating suicide, but after my first diagnosis I became depressed. I knew that my grandmother battled the same demon and I wanted to understand how she dealt with it. I also wondered if maybe she too had cancer and took her life because of the stigma associated with the disease in the 1960s. In the end, I learned that she did not have cancer, but never fully healed from the traumas she encountered as an orphan in Poland during World War I.

The way in which you begin your memoir, depends upon your story. An effective way is to begin by writing about a transformational moment in your life. For Regina’s Closet, I wrote about the day I found my grandmother dead. This became the book’s opening scene. In Healing With Words, (http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Words-writers-cancer-journey/dp/1615990100/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1279569966&sr=8-1), I began by describing what I thought would be a routine annual mammogram, but which ended up being a breast cancer diagnosis. This became that book’s opening scene.

According to Lee Gutkind in his book, Keep it Real, “scenes are the primary building blocks of creative nonfiction. They are little stories, episodes, anecdotes or other opportunities for the creative nonfiction writer to be artful and use all the literary techniques available to fiction writers, such as dialogue, description, action and suspense.”

When identifying a scene remember that something must happen. There must be a beginning, middle and end and a bunch of things that happen in between in order to have the building blocks for the story.

From a broader perspective, here are eight tips on writing a compelling memoir:

1) Find the memoir’s focus

2) Find the memoir’s structure

3) Show don’t tell

4) Use a compelling voice

5) Create compelling scenes

6) Use reflection and musings

7) Use fictional technique

8) Write your emotional truth

In summary, many people write memoir not necessarily because they want to write one, but more often because they have a story which they need to tell, either to find an answer to a mysterious question or to make some sense of a situation. Writing is a journey like no other. Whatever  one’s motive is for reason for writing a memoir, it will surely be a rewarding experience!

Creating Memories

Published on July 12, 2010 in Journaling, Journals, Musings, Notebooks, Spirituality, Uncategorized, Writing for healing and Writing, journaling. Tags: , , , .

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Whether writing about them, reviewing them or creating them, memoirists are obsessed with memories. I was recently reminded of this phenomenon during the events surrounding my middle daughter, Regine’s wedding to Daniel del Valle, her high school sweetheart.

Not only was it a magical wedding celebration resonating with happiness as the two families united during this spectacular family reunion, but what struck me at a deep level, was the importance of the family unit and how lucky I am to have the family I do. We have all had relatives who embarrass us or make us proud, but these types of family gatherings reiterate the similarities rather than the differences between family members. It was a reminder of the importance of celebrating the good times, because those are the memories we will carry with us into our old age. In addition, I was reminded of the importance of savoring memories by remaining in the moment.

I delighted in having a table of seniors which included my mother, in-laws and some aunts, all of them in their eighties. I realized how this year so many of my cousins have become orphaned and how no matter how old you are when your parents die—becoming orphaned is a traumatic event. Seeing all the seniors at one table also reminded me of the wealth of memories they hold in their heads and hearts.

The pain of loss has driven many poets and memoirists to the page and surely my father and grandmother have been an inspiration for my own work even though they have already been gone, respectively, 20 and 45 years. I feel bad not to have had the chance to get to know them as an adult and often wonder about the accuracy of my memories of them. I suppose it really does not matter because when we share our experience through memoir, we are sharing only our own emotional truth and no one else’s.

My new son-in-law, Daniel,  lost his father when he was barely nine years old. I often think about how this tragedy during childhood carved so many aspects of his life. I admire how he was able to forge forward and through the help of his mother, brother and close family has grown into a wonderful young man.  I also realize that many well-accomplished figures, such as Martin Luther King Jr., John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy and Thomas Steinbeck are also lost a parent during their youth. I believe it has been healthy for them to continue to honor their deceased loved ones by talking about them and sharing their memories as a way to keep them alive.

Another way to preserve memories of  those who have passed away, is to write about them. It’s important when writing about deceased loved ones is to tell it like it is or like you remember who they were and  the events surrounding their lives. Writing is also an effective way to heal childhood wounds.

Here are some possible writing topics regarding memories and family:

-       What do you miss most about your deceased relative?

-       What are you most proud of or embarrassed by about a family member?

-       Describe your relationship with a grandmother.

-       Describe your relationship with a grandfather.

For more prompts relating to memories, check out this link:

http://www.creative-writing-now.com/journal-writing-prompts.html

Until next time, Happy writing!

Diana

Healing With Words Book Trailer

Published on June 29, 2010 in Book Marketing, Healing With Words, Health and Wellness, Journaling, Journals, New Book Release, Writing for healing and Writing, journaling.

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Blog Tour Exhaustion

Published on June 28, 2010 in Author Blog, breast cancer and inspiration. Tags: , , , , , .

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I am on a book tour with my latest memoir/self help book, HEALING WITH WORDS: A WRITER’S CANCER JOURNEY and I am exhausted. But I haven’t even boarded an airplane yet. My state of exhaustion is probably a combination of planning for my daughter, Regine’s wedding on July 3rd and these two blog tours set up for me since the book’s release on June lst.

When the idea of a blog tour was first presented to me by my publisher and three publicity firms, I thought it was a great idea—a book tour from home, how cool, no suitcase, no boarding passes, no security checks or airport transfers.

What I quickly realized was that in many ways a blog tour is more tiring than a traveling book tour. The part I love about in-person book tours is greeting and meeting my readers, visiting interesting cities and writing in my favorite place, the airplane. This list does not include my favorite pastime of people-watching in airport terminals which supplies me with endless story ideas. One major advantage of the traveling book tour is that it gets the writer away from the computer and the seductiveness of the social network scene. Surely, you will agree that we spend far too much time on the computer and it is leading to an enormous amount of stress. In fact, a colleague of mine was recently diagnosed with psoriasis which is stress-related and for this very reason, her doctor prescribed an internet holiday!

During the course of my blog tour, I also realized that in addition to doing my creative work, the blog tour meant I would have to write answers to interview questions and sometimes even craft original material to be posted on the host’s blog site. I was also informed by one blog tour coordinator that many bloggers do not like reprints. I thought to myself—gosh, that’s a big demand of someone who doesn’t even paid for filling up the pages of a stranger’s blog!

Similar to a physical book tour—the blog book can make the author feel special by spotlighting an interview. But in no way does it match up to the charge an author receives by seeing a room full of people keenly listening and enthusiastically asking questions.
All this makes me wonder what the future holds for authors. Are we going to become even more isolated in our writing studios? Are we going to completely forget our social skills?

Does anyone have a crystal ball to provide me with answers? If yes, I would love to hear from you!