Musings on Adolescent Accountability

Published on May 14, 2012 in 1960s, adolescence, Author Blog, Baby Boomers and writer blog.

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“What you do, what you post, what you say matters — now, and for a long time to come,” says a New York Times Blog called, “Motherlode: Adventures in Parenting.” This comment was in reference to the Romney bullying allegations from last week.

Mine is not a political blog or post. It is a literary blog and I refuse to take political sides, however, I am a writer who enjoys studying human character and behaviors. The question I am asking myself and my readers is, “should we be responsible for acts we performed as kids?” I hope not because I might have already been locked up for some of my actions. I was a hippie of the 1960s and there was not much I did not experiment with, including at the age of sixteen wearing the American flag as a shawl. It’s unclear how that would fly today, but the only person who I upset then was my father, a European immigrant who cherished and respected his new homeland.

I believe I had done quite well for a rebellious teenage. As a matter of fact, when my own daughter went through adolescent turbulence and eventually went to rehab like many of her friends, we were advised that many rebellious teenagers turned out being quite successful adults. In fact, their rebelliousness and craving to be different can drive their future successes. Today my daughter is a successful artistic entrepreneur, but there were many in her same school who are still struggling. No doubt, character also comes into play. So no theories formulating here, just hypotheses.

So what do we make of these recent allegations of Romney bullying another student in high school, as a result of finding out that he was gay? Does this hurt his campaign or do we chalk up to the hormonal upheavals of adolescence? I am impressed by those who take a stance and who have opinions rather than bowing to the whims of the crowds. On the other hand, there is always a price to pay for voicing one’s opinions, and Obama might be facing that now as he has finally taken a stance in favor of gay marriage. Oops. I do not want to get political. I am independent and hope to remain that way.

Bullying is a form of acting out, a form of aggressive behavior, and often a power play between two or more individuals. Even if an individual is powerful with strong opinions, and wants to become President some day, there is no excuse for acting out. Personally, I believe there is no excuse for any emotional, verbal or physical abuse, but it is the person’s attitude when confronted with their unacceptable behavior which is most important. Denying or not remembering it is not acceptable. But, in summary, where there are kids there will be bullying, whether the kids are from a homogenous or heterogeneous crowd. Kids are just mean to one another, and stuff happens. The question I am still left with is, does this mean we have to always think before we act, write or talk?

I would love to hear your opinions.

Birthday

Published on May 7, 2012 in Author Blog.

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Dear Readers ~

I am taking this week off from posting as today is my birthday. In actuality, I was born on Mother’s Day …. can you imagine? I will never tell you what year … lol

In case you are bored, here’s a list of others (more famous than me) who share the same birthday!

http://www.historyorb.com/birthdays/may/7

Have a great week!

Cheers,
Diana

Women, Men, Mars, and Venus

Published on April 30, 2012 in Author Blog, Creative Nonfiction, General Information, Health, inspiration, love, Musings and writing.

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Certainly I am not the first woman who was told by her partner or spouse “we just think differently.” This usually leads to the conclusion, “Men are from Mars and women are from Venus.” This term was coined by author John Gray nearly ten years ago when he wrote the well-acclaimed book Men are From Mars and Women are From Venus. In view of his success, he has gone on to write another book, called Venus on Fire, Man On Ice. Now this title really resonates with me!

Gray continues to update his initial premise to help both sexes understand and determine gender differences. In this new book he discusses how differently men and women cope with stress. In general, women are more emotional and just want to talk, and men want to fix. Sometimes this ends up in frustration. Because of these differences, Gray suggests men simply allow the woman to talk. In other words, listen and don’t talk. Don’t be judgmental or dismissive. Listening is not always a skill inherent to men. In fact, Gray says that most men cannot tolerate listening for more than ten minutes. Sometimes women just want a hug and to be supported emotionally, especially when they are upset or stressed. They do not always want a man’s opinion.

Many comments Gray made resonated with me, but one really stuck after putting the book down, and that was that when women are stressed or depressed, more often than not it makes them feel better to help others. I found this to be an interesting and true observation. This is a win-win situation. From the male perspective, according to Gray, so much is affected by their level of testosterone. He claims that men have a need to feel strong and competent at work and at home. Supposedly men use a lot of testosterone at work and one way they tend to rebuild it in their bodies (other than with supplemental creams) is to ‘veg’ in front of the television. This is such a classical site. The woman in the kitchen cooking and cleaning, while the man is vegging in front of the TV. This was the first time I heard this factoid about rebuilding testosterone by watching TV. In the end, Gray recommends proper supplements for both men and women, and if you are not already taking some, perhaps this is a good time to start!

The tone of both Gray’s books are positive in that they help men and women understand, respect and appreciate one another and their differences. As a PhD and a relationship expert with more than 30 years experience, surely he has poignant tidbits to share.

Just for entertainment, you might be interested in viewing his website, which offers tips and ideas on dealing with the opposite sex and who could not need that type of advice?

http://www.marsvenus.com/advice/

Love Poems and Love Poets

Published on April 23, 2012 in Author Blog, Poetry, writer blog and Writing for healing.

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There could never be enough love in the world. At the same time there can never be enough love poems. The writing and reading of love poetry feels good for the poet and good for the reader. For the poet, it is a way to get in touch with your deepest feelings and sensibilities. It is a way to get down to your real emotional truth, whether you are writing it out of love, loss or despair.

Everyone can write love poems as a way of rejoicing and healing and I have my own share accumulated on the pages of my journals.

For me the first line of a poem sets the mood, stage and tone for the rest of the poem. First lines are often what we remember and also the lines that inspire us to read on.

Here are some first lines from some of my favorite love poems:

“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways” – Elizabeth Barrett Browning
“Love one another, but make not a bond of love” – Khalil Gibran
“My mistress’ eyes are nothing like the sun” – William Shakespeare
“Wild nights – wild nights” – Emily Dickinson
“I am not yours, not lost in you” Sara Teasdale
“What was said to the rose that made it open was said to me here in my chest” – Rumi
“When you are old and grey and full of sleep” – W.B. Yeats
“In silence the heart raves” – Robert Penn Warren
“Lay your sleeping head, my love” – W.H. Auden
“How many years I must have yearned for someone’s lips against mine” – Stephen Dunn
“Love has taken away my practices and filled me with poetry”- Rumi

When people ask who my favorite poet is, I smile and say, “it is the poet I am reading at the time.” Lately, I have been reading a lot of Neruda, so he is my favorite now I can claim him to be my favorite. Most of my readers know that he has written many, many love poems. In most of the translated collections I have, English is on the right page, and Spanish is on the left. I wish I understood Spanish so I can read in both languages.

Here is one of my favorites:

If You Forget Me

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

Pablo Neruda

Poetry and Medicine

Published on April 16, 2012 in Aging, Alternative Medicine, Author Blog, National Poetry Month, Poetry, writer blog, writing and Writing for healing.

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In honor of National Poetry Month, I would like to talk about the link between physicians and poetry. During the course of history there have been many physicians who practiced medicine and were poets. William Carlos Williams is typically the doctor who comes to mind as someone who wrote poems between patients on the prescription pad he kept in his pocket. One of my favorite quotations of his is: “It is not what you say that matters but the manner in which you say it; there lies the secret of the ages.”

Other physician-poets include John Keats, Chekhov, and Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr. In my view, the connection is quite clear. Poets tend to be in touch with their deepest emotions and the best physicians are those who are also able to tap into the deepest part of the psyche. In other words, they have the innate ability to connect emotionally with themselves and their patients. Taking this one step further we can use the analogy of the rhythm of a poem being a metaphor for the rhythm of a breath and/or a heartbeat.

Poetry has been incorporated into a number of medical school programs, including Yale and Harvard Schools of Medicine. In a recent article in the New York Times called, “The Doctor as Poet,” (December 1, 2011), by Pauline Chen, M.D. explains how poetry can help physicians empathize and understand what a patient is going through. This can be done by both the reading and writing of poetry. Dr. Rafeael Campo of Harvard Medial school, who is also an award-winning poet, talks about Marilyn Hacker’s “Cancer Winter” which helps her colleagues understand a patient receiving a cancer diagnosis.

In his fabulous book, the Call of Stories, writer and physician Robert Coles, talks about how over the centuries poets who became ill were also inspired to share their experience through poetry. He says, “It prompted them to look not only inward but also backward and forward–to ask the most important and searching questions about life’s meaning.” Coles is an advocate of all narratives and in his book he accentuates the power of poetry and how he admires poets and the merging of poetry and medicine. “Like patients,” he says, “poets are probably holding on for dear life to some words.”

Here is one of William Carlos Williams’ poems, most probably inspired by one of his patients:

Complaint

They call me and I go.
It is a frozen road
past midnight, a dust
of snow caught
in the rigid wheeltracks.
The door opens.
I smile, enter and
shake off the cold.
Here is a great woman
on her side in the bed.
She is sick,
perhaps vomiting,
perhaps laboring
to give birth to
a tenth child. Joy! Joy!
Night is a room
darkened for lovers,
through the jalousies the sun
has sent one golden needle!
I pick the hair from her eyes
and watch her misery
with compassion.

Happy National Poetry Month !

Published on April 2, 2012 in Author Blog, National Poetry Month, Poetry, writer blog, writing, Writing for healing and Writing, journaling.

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April is National Poetry month, which has been in existence since 1996. In honor of the month-long celebration, I would like to mention my new collection of poems released this month, LISTENING TO AFRICA (Antrim House).

This book was inspired by a family trip to Africa in 2008. It was my first, but probably not my last trip to Africa, and in more ways than one, it was a life-changing experience. We were there for three weeks and visited Namibia, Botswana and Zimbabwe.

During my travels, I typically keep a journal, and this trip was no exception. By the end of the safari, I had accumulated 62 pages of typed text, which also included an array of poems. After returning home, I transformed some text into poems and thus the birth of a new poetry collection.

First I would like to share some tidbits about the African continent that I learned before our departure:
• Africa is the second largest and second most populated continent.
• Africa straddles the equator and encompasses numerous climate areas.
• The climate ranges from tropical to sub arctic.
• The northern part is mainly dessert; central and southern areas consist of savannas and very dense jungles or rainforests.
• Animals found in Africa consist of both herbivores (deer, antelope, giraffes, buffalo) and carnivores (lions, cheetah, hyenas) and omnivores.
• Africa is one of the world’s poorest and most underdeveloped continents mainly because of tropical diseases, corrupt governments and international trade regimes.
• There are more than 1000 languages spoken in Africa.

Here is information from the back cover of LISTENING TO AFRICA:

In her quest for health of mind and body, Diana Raab travels to the heart of Africa with her family, experiencing the beauty of another world and the distress but also the delight and dignity of those, both human and animal, living in difficult conditions. She has recorded her observations in Listening to Africa, a collection of poems welcomed gratefully by early readers.
Susan Wooldridge, the author of poemcrazy: freeing your life with words, has written that “Diana M. Raab makes a pilgrimage from the ‘familiar neon of home’ in America to Africa, bringing her family, her passion and her pen. Her moving words carry us with her in narrative poems replete with vision, humor and irony. In her inner and outer journey, the poet transforms fear and sadness into beauty and love as her heart opens ‘in this place which will remind you of your reason for living.’

And finally, a sample poem:

48-Hour Travel

Should you decide
to take a safari here

you might want to consider
packing some meager comforts of home,

even though they will do little
to protect you from

its haunting newness.
But still, take a two-day supply of patience,

ear plugs, sleeping pills, a few good books,
a thick journal and a pound of prevention,

the comprehensive pill bag
with compartments for each ail.

If you plan on foreign intimacy,
don’t rely on public bathrooms

to supply your protection—
be prepared with your own custom size.

For game rides, snatch volumes
of insect repellant and sunscreen

and a wrinkled ribbed hat,
to shield your neck

from the last blow
of the jungle’s sunset.
____________________________

You can order the book from the publisher, http://antrimhousebooks.com/raab.html

OR

from Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Listening-Africa-Diana-M-Raab/dp/1936482185

In either case if you email me I would be happy to send you a personalized book plate.

Happy reading!
Diana

Writing Is Cheaper Than Therapy

Published on March 26, 2012 in 1960s, Anais Nin, Author Blog, cathartic writing, Creativity, Depression, Health and Wellness, New York Times, writer blog, writing and Writing for healing.

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My colleagues and I would not be the first writers who write to dissipate pain. For example, D.H. Lawrence sat at his mother’s bedside and while she was dying, he wrote poems about her, and an early draft of Sons and Lovers, his novel which explored their complicated, loving, painful and close relationship. Marcel Proust wrote Remembrance of Things Past while sick in bed with asthma. Flannery O’Connor wrote some of her best stories while dying from lupus.

May Sarton and Anaïs Nin wrote in their diaries to pull them through difficult times. In her book, Recovering, May Sarton chronicles her battles with depression and cancer. Anaïs Nin used her journals to address her deranged father who left the family when she was young. Nin’s journal entries became a four-volume collection of published books.

James Pennebaker, the author of Writing to Heal says “Writing dissolves some of the barriers between you and others. If you write, it’s easier to communicate with others.” Pennebaker believes that there’s a certain type of writing which erupts when we’re faced with loss, death, abuse, depression and trauma. He does have one rule that he calls, “the flip out rule,” which proclaims that if you get too upset when writing, then it’s probably best to stop.
Whether affected by change, loss or pain, finding the time and courage to write can support the healing process. Some people prefer to write nonfiction, while others may choose fiction or poetic modalities to help them express their thoughts and feelings. Each writer must choose the genre most compatible with their stories, sensibilities and personalities, choosing what liberates and empowers them. In the end, this is what healing is all about.

A writer friend (thanks KB!) who is an avid reader of this blog, just forwarded me an article from the magazine section of the New York Times (March 23, 2012), called, “Why Talk Therapy is on the Wane and Writing Workshops Are on the Rise,” by Steve Almond. Coincidentally, I met Steve at AWP a number of years ago, where he was on a panel and I remember him not only because his talk was compelling, but because he stood at the side of the podium giving away copies of his newly-release book, an unusual gesture for writers. As the son of two therapists, he truly knows what he is talking about. In this article, he defends writing as a cure, particularly in this boom of memoir and biography and the idea, as he states, that “artists should be forged by the fires of ‘real life.’” Almond is teaching a workshop for those in their 50s and 60s (yes, my age group) and admits that it does not really matter whether they become published writers or not. The important thing is that the students “have found a way to face the toughest truths within themselves, to begin to make sense of them, and maybe even beauty. In a world that feels increasingly impersonal and atomized, I can’t think of a more thrilling mission,” he concludes.

Giving to Others …

Published on March 19, 2012 in Author Blog, giving, Musings, Ode Magazine and Psychology.

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My father taught me that giving can be one of the best joys we can experience as humans, but he did not teach me this by telling me, he taught me this by his actions. My father, a Holocaust survivor, died in 1991 and he was a giver in every sense of the word. He was a giving person, spiritually and materialistically and both types of giving can bring joy. I was reminded of his thoughtfulness in a recent issue of Ode Magazine: For Intelligent Optimists. In an article written by Diana Rico, entitled, “It’s Good to Give,” (December 2011), she discussed giving money to a homeless guy in her hometown, Venice, California, as an example of the pleasure in giving.

“Giving,” she said, “in Sanskrit, dana—was avocated by Buddha because it both acknowledges the interdependence we have for each other and is the active practice of letting go, which is where freedom from suffering lies.” He goes on to say, “When we’re giving without any sort of expectation, just because we’ve been moved, we’re awakening the natural gladness that comes when the heart opens.”

According to research cited in the article, there is a genetic predisposition toward giving. I believe this to be true, but I also believe that we learn to give from example, like I learned to be a giver from my own father. If you are a giver, think about who in your life has taught you or been a role model as a giver. I believe Rico when she says that giving not only strengthens our bonds with others, but that it also has a very positive affect on our emotional health. I remember after my first cancer diagnosis, my therapist suggested to not only write about my experience as a way to enlighten others in similar situations, (which is a giving act) but, also to volunteer in organizations in the community. At the time, I took her suggestion seriously and began teaching classes in writing for healing. In a short period of time, I felt a lot better about myself because I was able to help others.

In the same issue of Ode, Honny Roskamp also speaks about the joy of giving and how good it feels when you give a gift to someone that the other person really likes. She claims that it is complicated finding the right gift and that it takes a lot of time and thinking. I don’t agree with this. First, I believe some people simply have a talent for buying gifts, while others, remain clueless. It is unclear to me whether a gene is involved in gift choice, as the author claims it is involved in the joy of giving.

Did you ever notice some people always buy you the absolute right gift, while others choose either unuseful or inappropriate gifts? I find this true in my own family. I agree that choosing the right gift does take a certain about of thinking time, but my sense is that it is also about being perceptive and understanding the other person—who they are and what would bring them joy. Some people would say that you should buy what you like and the other person will like it, but I tend to disagree with this. Just because you like it, does not mean the other person will.

I have been told that I am a great gift giver and reflecting upon my own strategies, I would say that when choosing a gift, I meditate about that person and what they would like. Of course, if they are dear to me, then I might also like it. I have been known to buy two of something, one for me and one for them! During the planning period of the selection, I use creative visualization to picture what the other person is like and talks about. I think about my experiences with the person and what activities or things link us. Is it coffee? Is it chocolate? Is it books? Is it family memories? Is it spirituality? I try to link my gift with one of those. I find the interconnectedness between us and the gift. I think only once I bought a gift for someone they did not like, and it was mainly because I did not really know them. It was one of my daughter’s boyfriend.

Choosing the right gift is also about using all of your senses. It’s about paying attention to the other person – listening, hearing, watching and sensing.

Here are some specific tips to help gift buying:

• pay attention to the individual’s likes and dislikes
• listen for hints about what they want
• ask someone close to them what might be appropriate
• think of what the person does during the course of the day
• reflect on what the person already has and doesn’t have
• think about what would bring a smile to their faces
• scan the internet for websites related to their interests

Honoring Women’s History Month

Published on March 12, 2012 in Author Blog, inspiration, Journaling, Journals, Tristine Rainer and Writing, journaling.

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In honor of National Women’s History month, I would like to honor someone whose writing has changed my life. Her name is Anais Nin.

Anais Nin was many things to many people: friend, confidant, lover, author, philosopher, psychologist, and diarist. In many ways she was a Renaissance woman, interested and interesting in many areas. As a French-Cuban author, she was best known for her published journals that spanned 60 years. Like myself, a traumatic event turned her onto writing. When she was 11 years old, her father left the family for a younger woman. Her journals began as a letter to him and as time went on those pages became her best friend, confidant, and a crucial part of her everyday life. Here’s what she said about her diary: “[It] deals always with the immediate present, the warm, the near, being written at white heat develops a love of the living moment. One thing is very clear—that both diary and fiction tend toward the same goal: intimate contact with people, with experiences, with life itself.”

In addition to journals, she also dabbled in writing novels, shorts stories and erotic literature. For a times she also busied herself with psychotherapy, inspired by and working under Otto Rank, who had worked with Sigmund Freud.

What makes her work so appealing to women is that she provides profound insights into her own role as a woman, a sexual being and erotic spirit. This helps other women define themselves and understand who they have always wanted to become. Her written voice is powerful and compelling and the fictional female characters she created are quite strong. She was not a feminist, although I have heard that she was often invited to speak at feminist rallies and events.

My dear friend, Tristine Rainer, a powerful and accomplished woman in her own right (see her website– http://www.storyhelp.com/tristine.html” was Anais’ friend and protegee and their relationship left an indelible mark on Tristine. Often at lunch, Tristine will quote what Nin would have said or done in a given situation. Recently, I had asked Tristine to share the most important thing she learned from Nin, and she said “I learned that a crazy young woman in her twenties can become a joyful, wise woman in her sixties. It was her [Nin’s] belief that we can transform ourselves and our lives through self-creation. And that diary writing was a way.”

Some of my favorite thoughts from the writings of Anais Nin:

Life shrinks and expands in proportion to one’s courage.

We don’t see things as they are, we see them how we are.

Passion gives me moments of wholensss.

Group activities weaken our will. They may be a solace to loneliness, but they do not foster the individual creative will.

The role of a writer is not to say what we can all say, but what we are unable to say.

We write to taste life twice, in the moment, and in the retrospection… We write to be able to transcend our life, to reach beyond it. We write to teach ourselves to speak with others, to record the journey into the labyrinth.

There were always in me, two women at least,
one woman desperate and bewildered,
who felt she was drowning and another who
would leap into a scene, as upon a stage,
conceal her true emotions because they
were weakness, helplessness, despair,
and present to the world only a smile,
an eagerness, curiosity, enthusiasm, interest.

While an MFA student at Spalding University, I rediscovered Nin in the course of my research on diaries and their healing and cathartic benefits. Because a traumatic event triggered or set the platform for both of our writing careers, her story resonated with me. Furthermore, I admired the candor with which she wrote. Her words strongly embodied her deepest sentiments, so much so that the reader experiences similar feelings. When I wrote my first poetry book, I dedicated the book to her and called it, Dear Anais: My Life in Poems for You. My introduction which includes a letter to Nin, finishes like this: “You have taught me the intrinsic value of the written word, how to dig deeper into my emotional truth, and the importance of having love in my life. And for this I thank you.”

And thank you to all the women out there who have, through their good works, empowered the lives of other women. For more information on National Women’s History Month, check out this link:

http://womenshistorymonth.gov/


READERS: I would also love to hear which woman has inspired you in your own life and/or career…

The Spell of Perception

Published on March 5, 2012 in Author Blog, cathartic writing, David Abram, Journaling and Perception.

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I just finished a very powerful book by David Abram called, The Spell of the Sensuous. According to Abram, Merleau Ponty “spent much of his life demonstrating that the event of perception unfolds as a reciprocal exchange between the living body and the animate world that surrounds it.” Thus, we can say that perception is a sensorial experience and in transpersonal terms, it is an embodied experience. Abram says that, in fact, we all tend to mentally attach to a particular emotion or feeling, and our body is often found responsible for responding to it. He illustrates this by using the example of a newborn infant who does not understand language, but he or she perceives situations and feelings in the environment through the caretaker’s gestures.

Thus, the concept of perception plays such a vital role in our lives. The importance of perception is further illustrated in the recent Academy Award winning movie, discussed in last week’s blog, “The Artist,” where gestures were the only means of communication, and each thought and feeling was conveyed through facial expressions and physical actions.

I think if we all made an effort each day to stop for a minute and journal what we are hearing, smelling, seeing and tasting, then it would provide a window of opportunity for all of us to get in touch with what is necessary to better preserve our environment. To be sensitive to our environment involves paying attention with all our senses (which is also an important tool for compelling writing).

Another point Abram made which resonated with me as a writer was how he called the written word “pivotal magic—the same magic that once sparkled for us in the eyes of an owl and the glide of an otter.” Ultimately, he says the written word is about “spinning stories that have a rhythm and lilt of the local soundscape… All these reasons are why so many powerful writers either write within the confines of nature or are influenced by it. Just think about Thoreau and Emerson… our early connections to transcendentalism. Language connects us with nature. There’s no way around it.