5 Comments“You can either give negativity power over your life or you can choose happiness instead.” Anais Nin
The week of the full moon always brings out interesting stories in my journal. On the morning of the full moon, I began writing about how to cope with toxic people. This is a term I started to use years ago, about the time I turned 45, at time when I decided that life is too short to surround myself with those who bring me down instead of building me up.
For those of you who have read my first memoir, Regina’s Closet: Finding My Grandmother’s Secret Journal, you know that even though my mother was the one responsible for giving me my first journal and who I will forever be indebted, to also put an indelible mark on my life. She was often prone to depression but her refusal to take medication resulted in her becoming toxic to those around her. Unfortunately, I was one of the victims. Over the years I have learned to accept her and cope by putting a box around myself while in her presence, but there were times when her ways really hurt me.
So how does this affect you, my reader? Over the course of our lives, we meet hundreds or perhaps thousands of people. There are those who we connect with right away and others with whom we don’t. Sometimes there is chemistry and sometimes not. Some people are easy to be around, others you wouldn’t want to touch with a ten foot pole. We all know the feeling, but sometimes we tend to ignore what we are feeling down deep. Ignoring this feeling can get us into trouble or bring on unhappiness.
Those who negatively impact our lives are called, “toxic people.” I don’t remember where I first heard this term, but I understood it right away. They can be seen anywhere—in our local store, on airplanes, in foreign countries or even in our own family, but one thing is for sure – they are easy to spot. In general terms, they are unhappy, dislike their own lives and carry around a great deal of anger, resentment and bitterness. They seem to complain all the time and might even make you feel that it is your fault that things are not going well. Often, they seem happier after making you unhappy. You feel these traits when you are near them and if you are with them long enough, they could rub off on you.
Those with major depressive disease and/or bipolar disorder are more susceptible to toxic people because they are more easily triggered. I learned this in nursing school during my psychiatry rotation when I asked my mentor how I can tell if someone is depressed. She told me, other than listening to what they say, you can just feel it in their energy. “When you are with them, you just feel down,” she told me. I have carried this nugget of wisdom with me for the rest of my life and it has served me well.
The other thing about toxic people, which my mother taught me through her actions, is that they often fling insults and hurt towards others. They can be condescending without even realizing it. Being with toxic people can really negatively affect your mental well-being, because they have the innate ability to ‘suck the joy out of life.’
One important thing to remember is that you cannot change someone else’s behavior, but you can adjust your own. Here are some possible ways to cope with a toxic person:
1) Voice your concerns
2) Avoid or minimize contact
3) Try to bring joy into their lives
In summary, you can try to help toxic people, but if they don’t want to help themselves, it will be a losing battle and the best solution will be to just stay away. It will be good for your health.
I have done this quite knowingly with a few select people in my life and have never felt better!
TO MY DEVOTED READERS: There will be a blog, hiatus but I will be back on September 20th. In the meantime, be happy!
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I love that one of your solutions is to try and bring joy into toxic people’s lives. Difficult, to be sure, but worth the effort, I think. It’s easier, and probably even healthier, to stay away from them, but if you can help them in some small way…
Jim
fabulous, fabulous blog. just perfect.
love,
amy
xoxo
As someone who has nurtured others throughout her adult life as wife, mother, teacher, friend, daughter, neighbor, I’m still practicing lowering my expectations of others. Unfortunately, it is difficult to dismiss toxic relatives, especially if we want to be part of their lives, but avoidance of public conflicts, something I would have never recommended years ago when I wasted too many moments confronting such people, is the way to go.
As for toxic colleagues, friends, acquaintances, neighbors, walk away, I say and , I’ve taught myself to reduce contact whenever possible.
Trying to make others happy is a futile endeavor when there is no reciprocal relationship, unless you want to remain a caretaker/social worker, for those who are narcissistic, lack empathy, always need help and admiration but give little to others, especially those who acquiesce to their demands. Toxic people are infantile and destructive. We are capable of making ourselves happy, so let’s work on that.
I’m still practicing protecting myself, and it is hard, but at 80, I don’t see a future waiting for a harmful person apologizing or even acknowledging responsibility for his/her actions, so goodbye emotionally and/or physically.
And, I, too, keep a journal, and when rage, disgust, disappointment almost defeat me, I write, write, write. Perhaps, after my death someone will read these journals. Won’t they be a surprised?
“As for toxic colleagues, friends, acquaintances, neighbors, walk away, I say and , I’ve taught myself to reduce contact whenever possible.”
Exactly true. wonderful
Diana, I’m glad I’ve discovered your blog. Five years ago I had become a toxic person after my relationship with my husband became more stressful than I could bear. For one thing, we were in a relationship where we were half a continent away from each other.
When I finally accepted the fact that I needed to be hospitalized for bipolar disorder, in the same city where our youngest daughter is a teacher, I was at first very angry. I was one of the lucky ones. The medication I was prescribed became effective soon after I began taking it, and I was able to work out my anger issues with some good therapy.
Now my husband and I are back together and living in a new condo instead of an old house. Our two daughters (no sons) are living happy lives. And time and again, I find myself saying to myself, “I love my life.”
When I was still feeling miserable, I told friends and relatives who were kind enough to listen to me, “This too shall pass. It always does.”
But now again, one of the things I love is my writing. I am grateful that the Internet has made sharing the writing I did in my diaries when I was in high school and college an easy thing to do.